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Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.
Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at rum bars.
Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.
Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem skin wid toothpaste.
Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem operation and report warden to dem posse.
Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell you bout yuh parts and there is nobody to report them to.
Only in Jamaica, when you go t a restaurant, the waiter...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 209
A lawyer
runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police.

He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense.

The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 215
A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant in Jamaica and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain conciousness.

Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, "Luk yah man! If me did want orange, me woulda fall down in de market."

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 226
A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital
(KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.

Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?

Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.

Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt


by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 239
A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over.

"Obediah, ah have to go to Kingston today, but ah want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. Yuh tink you cyan handle it?"

"Yes, sah, yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how tings went yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree patients," said Obie proudly.

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 201
Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20.

After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.

After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 207
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Highway 2000

This is probably what the first day was like on Highway 2000:

Toll Booth Collector: Morning sir, the toll will be $55.

Skinny the Taxi man: $55 unda yuh Mumma! Yuh know how long mi a drive pon dis yah road yah and now oonu want come charge man fi drive pon we owna road. Is kill oonu want kill off poor people! Mi naw pay dat!

TB Collector: Sir, you don't have a choice, please pay the toll or I'll be forced to call the officer standing right over there.

Skinny: Which officer yuh a talk bout? Weh part him deh?

TB Collector:...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 199
St. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to you. I have a problem. I know we didn't have many Jamaicans in heaven so you instituted an affirmative action plan and we are supposed to have 10,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have let in another 10,000 of their bredrin through the fence. They are constantly standing by the gate disturbing Angel Gabriel begging for "bly" for their cousin, sistren, neighbour, granny, auntie ... Whenever it is their turn to watch the...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 217
It was high drama and a very greasy situation on Lyndhurst Road in Kingston yesterday (March 30, 2009), as Patrick Marshall - a garage operator - stripped to his underwear and thoroughly covered himself in grease in order to prevent his imminent arrest by policemen who were at his business place.

Marshall took off all his clothes except his boxers, then proceeded to grease every part of his body in order to make it as difficult as possible for the police to hold and arrest him. According to Marshall, the police officers came to help a customer reclaim a vehicle from his garage, a vehicle...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 212
Fidel Castro of Cuba, Maurice Bishop of Grenada
and Michael Manley of Jamaica were returning from a meeting with Mikael Gorbachev in Moscow
in the late 1970s. However, there was a power-cut over the entire Caribbean, so the pilot of the plane could not identify which country they were over so the plane could land.

The three leaders reassured him that they could identify their respective nations, as long as he opened a window.
This the pilot immediately did. After flying for a while, Castro shouted: "Si! This is my beloved Cuba. I smell the sugar!" The pilot then...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 193
Late ketch Dulcie, suh she decide fi tek a short cut. As she a mek har way through di bush, two man ole har dung an rape har. She report it to di police, who ketch di man dem afta couple a days. When di case reach a court, Dulcie had to tek di witness stand.

Here's a bit of the court transcript ...

Clerk of the Court: Miss Black (Dulcie), please describe to the court what happened on the night in question.

Dulcie: Well sah, as a was mekkin mi way through di bush, dem two man deh just jump out pan mi, hol mi dung, tear aff mi draws...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 196

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 190
A seven year old boy was at the center of a Jamaica Courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that the family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court however when he proclaimed that, while visiting his aunt during the summer holidays
, She beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 187
A Lady was travelling along Caledonia road in Mandeville, when she was involved in a traffic accident with a man who was driving a car. They both agreed to go to a nearby police station to make a report.

Here's the dialogue of her conversation with the police officer on duty:

Lady: Mawning offica

Officer: Mawning Maam

Lady: I'm here to report an accident

Officer: Go ahead Maam

Lady: Offica, mi seh mi a cum enuh, and when mi realise the man a cum too, mi start blow the man, and all di blow mi a blow the man, him still cum inna mi.

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 191
After a hard day at work Puncie arrived home and walked into her bedroom to find her husband in bed with another woman. The woman was asleep but Puncie's husband was awake and shaking with fear of what Puncie would do.

Puncie spun around and headed for the kitchen to grab a knife. Her husband jumped out of bed to follow her. He grabbed her and said, "Puncie, me lub, me sarry". Puncie replied, "yu no sarry yet. Wait til mi done wid har. Den yu will sarry!"
Puncie's husband said, "lawd Puncie man, no gwan so. Beg yu please no hurt har. Yu see dat nice Maxima...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 209
This Jamaican woman felt that her love life was slipping because her husband had no more interest in sex. While shopping one day, she passed an adult shop and saw some crotchless panties, so she decided to buy one and try to use it to excite and seduce him.

That evening she took a long bath, put on a favorite perfume, and then she put on a sexy negligee and her new crotchless panties. Then she slithered into the room where her husband was watching TV as usual.

She stands right in front of him, with one foot resting high on the ottoman, negligee wide open, and whispers "yu...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 262
A Jamaican ginnal named Countafeit is out playing football, and gets hit when an opponent powerfully kicks the ball straight into his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to a Doctor and asked, "How bad is it Doc? Mi goin' on mi honeymoon nex week and mi fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The Doctor told him, "I'll have to put your "thing" in a splint to let it get better and keep it stable. It should be alright by next week."

So he took four wooden tongue depressors, made a neat...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 195
A 17 year-old Jamaican girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for the last two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test.

Confirming her worst fears, the test result is positive. Shouting, swearing and crying, the Mother says, "Which rass man do dis to you? Mi need fi know now!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a BMW X5 pulls up in front of their house; a dapper looking man dressed in an Armani suit steps out and walks to the house.

He sits in the living room with the father,...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 198
A blind Jamaican man walks into a little restaurant
and sits down.

The owner walks up to him and hands him a menu.

"Mi blind, sah, an caan se fe read de menu".

Jus bring mi one fork dat one ah yu customah use arreddy, an mi will smell it an order fram it"

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, dat's what mi will 'ave - rice nd peas wid jerk...

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 199
There was this couple sitting on the porch in Westmoreland, Jamaica watching the sun go down. All of a sudden this shooting light went across the sunset.

Wife: "A wha dat?"
Husband: "A mus' one space ship."

Wife: "Spaceship???? You damn Eeediat!!"
A little while later the couple went back into the house. Suddenly there was a knock on the door and the husband opened it. There was an alien couple on the doorstep.

Alien Male: "Good evening, we come in peace....

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 203
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Mama, s'maddy nyam me porridge!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his bowl, and it is also empty.
"A who eat mi porridge?!!" he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells at the top of her voice, "Ah me get up first and wake up evrybody else ina de house. A me mek de tea. A me wash up di dish dem and put weh everyting....

by Wi-owner - Comments: 0 - Views: 156

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